I’ll Show Myself Out

Here’s a list of dumb shit I’ve said to or in the presence of my boyfriend that has gotten the following responses:

“Really?…….”
“I’m breaking up with you now.” said in places like a parking garage, a hospital, the grocery store, date night restaurants, in bed, in the car (which is naturally followed my be saying I will tuck and roll my way out of there toot sweet).
“What is wrong with you?”
“You’re lucky I love you.”

that last one is my favorite though.

Anyways, I like puns and songs and terrible things and here is what makes him go hmmmm (NOTE: that last part should be included on this list now.)

Mike: What should we have for dinner? We got that club pack of chicken breasts….

Me: We got chicken. Yes we do. We got chicken. How bout you?

Cat: (humping my fleece jacket)

Me: Gonna make love to this shrug…. to this shrug….

Mike: You sure did make a lot of baby booties for your friend.

Me: BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN EVERYWHERE.

Me: (singing to cat looking at himself in the mirror) You’re so vain…. you probably think this cat is about you.

Scene: Listening to this song in the car

Mike: Hey we saw this guy open for Fitz and the Tantrums

Me: Yeah, I really liked him! ……….he was a real mushroom.

Mike: Don’t.

Me: Come on. Ask. Don’t you want to know why I said mushroom?

Mike: No. Stop trying to make Fetch happen.

(I was trying to say he was a FUN GUY, like a FUNGI. GET IT?!?) Ugh. Even I hate me.

Scene: together at home, watching House Hunters. Gay couple finds a modern loft with a urinal in the bathroom, despite telling the Realtor they would prefer a row house.

Me: DUDE! You don’t need a row house when you got THE BRO HOUSE.

Basically, I say a lot of corny things, sing a lot of silly songs and make a lot of bad puns. And this is usually the face Mike makes as he says “You know where the door is, show yourself out.”