Fact:  I am gross.

Example:  As I just posted on twitter, I was eating a granola bar at my desk here at work.  I finished it and it was delicious.  Then I looked down, and right where I had put my granola bar, there was a crumb left on my desk so I was like “YES.” and I picked it up and put it in my mouth (that’s what she said).  My smile quickly faded as I realized THAT was NOT food.  It was like a piece of pencil lead or who knows what.  But I ate it.  Hope I don’t die, right? 

Another gross thing I do…. I lick my phone.  My cell phone.  Not always, just if there is food on it.  One day, there was a smudge on my screen, and I thought “Hmmm, what could that be?  I bet it is chocolate.”  So I tasted it and it was in fact chocolate.  Score for me!  The boyfriend saw me do this though and he was really grossed out and told me I shouldn’t lick mystery smudges on my cell phone.  It’s always chocolate.  I have a problem.

That’s not the only example of me being gross and putting things in my mouth.  I chew on my cuticles a lot and realize too late that HEY maybe I should go wash my hands before I shove them in my mouth?  No wonder I’ve been sick all damn winter.  I take public transportation to get to work, then when I’m happily (not) sitting in my seat on the train, I start to chew on my cuticles.  So work this backwards… mouth-hand-train hand rails – escalator bannister – door – another bannister – apartment building door.  I should just kill myself. 



Puddy: “I’m a recovering germ-o-phobe. Ten years.” Elaine: “What is this symbol?” Puddy: “It’s a germ.”